Rambling

I texted my older sister a few days ago. We have been estranged for quite a while due to her alcohol and drug use.

I texted her because she seems to have accomplished a level of forgiveness for my dad and I am curious and bewildered at how she says she has reached that point when she obviously has not conquered all the demons as demonstrated by her drug/ alcohol use.

The text I got back said basically this: " God has helped me reach forgiveness. Watch Joyce Meyers, she was abused by her father for 10 years and forgave him. I am really busy right now. I just got another DWI and have to go to treatment.

This is roughly her 5th DWI and I cannot count how many times through treatment. She has a history of Meth and thinking that the FBI is following her. She came to visit me one time to "hide" out from the FBI. When I came home....she had thrown a blanket over her car to keep the helicopters from seeing it. I had to tell her to leave as I have a daughter that I am not going to have witnessing such things.

Last night I called her out on her behavior. When she said this DWI taught her something....I asked why the first 4 didn't teach her anything. She is 54 years old. She is responsible for her grand baby because both her son and them mom are in prison. She accused me of drinking and told me she felt sorry for me!!!!!!

She told me she was going to tell my Dad what I was saying. I told her don't bother. The only conversation I have had with my dad in the 2 1/2 months was to tell him what I thought about him and how what he had done to be was not acceptable and hurt me. C'mom....a 54 year old telling the 49 year old...I am going to tell Dad ?

My mom is dead so I cannot tell her...but does it really matter? Someone that would leave their daughters and sisters out of their obituary obviously had issues.

I have not had contact with my younger sister for many years. Bipolar, Delusional, Borderline Personality Disorder.


All contact is off now and I am feeling rather free.

I just do not understand

One of my sisters that was also sexually abused is 5 years older than me. From what she has told me..it went on a bit longer with her and something more than molestation ( touching or fondling).

She has come to a point when she forgives my dad. She has had years of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, mental illness, and treatment.

She cannot explain except that God has led her to being able to forgive.

I personally have a hard time. I mean he abused at least 3 daughters...possibly 4 and blames it to this day on alcohol.

What happened, is not a 1 time mistake. This happened repeatedly with multiple daughters!!

A few years ago he tried to blame me and said I wanted it!!!!

A few years back my younger sister who had not been abused...actually questioned why he had not done it to her ....as if she was jealous.

I personally find him to be a sexual deviant or predator.

Just a couple of years ago...he stood in my kitchen and tried to get my sympathy that his wife ( my step-mom would not have sex anymore. Who talks about this with their 40 something old daughter. I do not want to have this conversation with him and tell him so.

My older sister is in regular contact with my dad.

My younger sister has NO contact with my dad.

I have NO contact with my dad.

My younger step-sister has NO contact with my dad. Only calls her mom ( my step-mom)

My older step-sister has NO contact with my dad , Only contact with her mom ( my step-mom).

I have been thinking a lot lately. How does a father sexually abuse at least 3 of his daughters and blame it on alcohol? I mean 1 time would be a mistake you would wake up and regret what you did. But we are talking multiple times with each of his daughters.

The only daughter that "escaped" the sexual abuse was the defiant one. The one that he knew would tell if he even tried anything. This sister is mentally ill and actually expressed jealousy when she learned of the abuse. Saying "Why didn't he ever do that to me"


Lot's of questions going on in my head right now!!!

Warning Triggers:

Dad would come to my room a couple of times a week when he had been drinking. I didn't learn until a few years later that he was also visiting my younger stepsisters room at that same period of time and that years before he had done the same to my older 1/2 sister.

I never experienced intercourse with him. Not that he didn't try but he would ask me to come to his bed and told me that he wanted to make love with me..... and I just would not go. I laid in my bed terrified he would come back but he never did. So with me...it was touching and fondling and dirty talk.The images still haunt my brain. I cannot seem to get rid of them.

I never was able to ask my sisters exactly what happened with them. I guess because I didn't want to know but I also did not need to know. I know how it made me feel to talk about it...and I knew they had to be feeling the same way. All we know is that Dad was sexually inappropriate will all 3 of us to some extent.

I was about 16 when one night my step mom had a niece spending the night. My dad had of course been very drunk that night. I had went to bed but heard some commotion in the hallway. I got up to find my step mom, my step sister and my step mom's niece packed and leaving the house about 2:00 a.m.What the heck...they were just going to leave me there ? Some step mom I had. Well, this forced me to think quick. I need to leave now..but where in the world do I go? I did have an uncle and my grandma that both lived within a few miles of us...I could walk...but how in the world would I explain why I was knocking on their door in the middle of the night?

I decided that I would walk to my grandma's house. Only a couple of miles and she was always up all night listening to her Christian Radio stations. At least I didn't have to wake her up. Funny thing was she didn't even seem surprised to find me knocking on her door. She was more worried that my dad was going to be worried if he woke up and I was gone....I begged her not to call him, but she did. Dad picked me about about an hour later, never said a word to me or questioned me. When we got home...I just went to bed. Not one word was ever spoken about that evening ever again.

Coming out of the closet

Starting about the time I was 14 my dad started coming to my room when he was drunk. To this day I hate the smell of beer !!! I cannot drink beer or kiss someone that has been drinking it.

 I was molested for a few years. It wasn't until I was about 18 that I learned he had did the same to my older sister and younger step sister.

What was I supposed to do ? Who was I supposed to tell? My mom didn't want me anymore,?

Being raised by alcoholic's

Both mom and dad were alcoholics. Mom went to the bars 4-5 nights of the week and brought home different men every night.It was left to me at 9 years old to feed, bathe and put to bed my 2 little brothers and younger sister. Then I could do dishes and go to bed myself. Only to be woken up in me middle of the night by laughing and carrying on of my mom and whoever she brought home that night.

Dad tried to hide his alcohol use by hiding the bottles in the toilet tank, garage etc. The rule for my step mom was that she had to have dinner ready on the table when he got home from work. Quite the trick in a time before cell phones and dad  was self  employed owning his own business, so no regular hours. He might be home at 5:00 p.m and he might be home at 7:00 p.m...but dinner better be ready no matter what.. When he got home he decided if he was going to get drunk or not. We all knew that if he didn't eat dinner...then he was planning on getting drunk.

Dad also liked to use excuses for getting drunk....me and my step mom got into a fight,. my step sister and sister got into a fight, some guy cut him off in traffic, he had to work late, traffic was bad, the neighbor had company that was too loud etc etc.

I went to bed every night only to wait for my dad to start in with the "nobody loves me, " fine, everybody go to bed" followed by a crash or bang of something being broken.

Those were the good nights...the other nights .....he would come to my room.

So now I am living with my dad.

I was 12 years old when I went to live with my dad.. Things were wonderful at first. He gave me the option of going to the local public middle school or going to the private school where we went to church. I had suffered a lot of bullying at school when I had lived with my mom. Probably because we were evicted from where ever we living at the time at least once a year. So that meant being the new kid just about every year through 7th grade. I chose the private school.

We went camping as a family each summer, picnics and rollerskating after church every Sunday. Perfect happy  life I had wished for.

I had a step-mom that did not like me or my younger sister at all. I can still hear the fight in my head that I over heard between her and my dad. She said" I am not going to share you with those girls"

All I could think....was, yeah my dad met you and you were living in the projects on welfare. You did not have a drivers license, a job or a bank account. Your oldest son is in prison for raping a woman, your next oldest son is in a boy's home, your oldest daughter is in a foster home using a name you picked from the phone book because you did not know her dads name.

My step mom still had one daughter living at home when I went to live with my dad. I remember that 1st weekend I was living there. We had Kentucky Fried Chicken for Dinner. Remember the big buckets of chicken? Dad reached into the bucket for a 2nd piece of chicken to find 4 pieces left. .There were only 4 of us having dinner!!! We found out that my step mom's youngest daughter had 4 pieces on her lap under the table. Apparently she was worried about not getting enough to eat.

I was taking time and money from my step mom. She didn't want to be a mom to her own kids why in the world would she want to be a step mom to 2 other kids.

I remember the day I was about 13 and I had went to the garage to get my bike out to go for a ride. When I closed the door my finger got caught in between the slats of the garage door. I screamed like crazy in pain. My step mom opened the front door and said" What in the hell is wrong"  It was apparent that she was not accustomed to attending to a child screaming in pain!! Even my own mother knew my in pain scream from any other scream!!!

Getting ahead of myself in a future post.....My step mom also know that my older sister, me,and her own daughter had been or were being sexually molested by my dad and did nothing.